How to Set Boundaries Working in Hospitality
Setting boundaries is an essential part of taking care of our health — mental and physical. But the demands of food service have meant that boundaries were basically nonexistent and if you tried to set them with your boss you were seen as lazy, entitled, or just not dedicated enough. That’s starting to change, as more employers are focusing on the mental health of their employees, but that conversation can still be really hard.
So here are some tips from some restaurant industry professionals about how to set boundaries.
What are boundaries?
According to Psychology Today, “The ability to know our boundaries generally comes from valuing yourself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings they have toward you. Self-worth is finding intrinsic value in who you are.”
First and foremost, it’s really important that you understand that your own health is the most important. You can’t do your job if you’re exhausted and burnt out. So you have to set boundaries.
On the flip side, if you’re an employer, you have to build a workplace where employees feel comfortable and safe enough to set boundaries. Along with that you have to normalize asking for consent.
People often think of consent in a sexual context, but consent is essential in all types of interpersonal communication.
Ways to ask for consent in the workplace.
“Is it ok if I ask you a few questions right now?”
“Is now a good time to talk?”
“Do you have the bandwidth to take on XYZ additional task right now?”
If the answer is no, then that’s that. Don’t proceed to do it anyway or guilt them into saying yes. Respect the boundaries that people set when asking consent.
Set your limits
When figuring out what boundaries you need to set with your employer, take some time to process what is dangerous to your physical or mental health at work. Ask yourself some of these questions:
Is it how many hours you’re working?
Is it when you’re working?
Is it how a coworker is talking to you or touching you?
Is it how a regular talks to you?
Whatever things are negatively impacting your health are the things you need to set boundaries around. Once you set those limits for yourself, you have to actively communicate those to your manager.
Having that conversation
A great tool to have a tough conversation is called the DEARMAN tool and it’s an acronym. It was adapted by Not 9 to 5 as a script for having tough conversations. Here’s what each letter means and an example. Hassel Aviles, Executive Director of Not 9 to 5, uses the example of talking to a manager about getting Thursday afternoons off to go to therapy.
D - Describe the situation by sticking to the facts and don’t use judgemental statements.
“I’ve noticed that I’m struggling.”
E - Express the feelings and don’t expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel.
“I’m feeling really uncomfortable and it’s affecting my work.”
A - Assert your needs and ask for what you want. Don’t expect the other person to know. Be direct.
“I need to have Thursday afternoons off, or if I’m scheduled on Thursday afternoons, I need an hour and a half at 3pm to go to a weekly appointment.”
R - Reinforce the outcome. Reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, say no, or express an opinion.
“And by doing this I’m going to feel better, I’m going to be able to work through my feelings so that I can come better prepared for work and be more present when I’m here.”
M - Mindful. Be Mindful and stay focused on your objective. Use the “broken record” technique and repeat what you want so you won’t get distracted.
A - Appear confident. Maintain eye contact, sit or stand tall, use an assertive tone of voice.
N - Negotiate (if applicable). In some cases when you’re setting a boundary, negotiating is not applicable. In other situations, you can open up a discussion to share each other’s perspectives.
There are some boundaries where there’s room for negotiation - your schedule, what stations you work, your job description, and daily tasks. However, there are other boundaries that are much harder lines that we need to set around things like sexual innuendos or physical contact.
These require you to set clear lines and are not up for negotiation. People won’t always respect the boundaries that you set, so it’s up to you to reinforce them and communicate clearly. If people consistently ignore your boundaries, it’s absolutely valid for you to leave that workplace and find somewhere better. The more of us that stand up for our boundaries, the more we’ll be able to take the power back and improve our industry as a whole.
The interview and content for this article are from the Copper & Heat podcast episode “Setting Boundaries” with Not 9 to 5, Rachel Ramsey of Measured HR and Grace Gruber of The Family Meal podcast. To hear her tips more in depth, visit the Copper & Heat website and listen to the episode. Copper & Heat explores the unspoken rules and traditions of restaurants through the stories of the people that work in them.
Katy Osuna is the host and producer of the James Beard award-winning Copper & Heat podcast. She’s been a cook for 9 years and worked in all sorts of places from the 3-starred Michelin restaurant Manresa in Los Gatos CA, to the sustainable meat company Belcampo before starting Copper & Heat.
