Finding A Therapist: I Found A Therapist, Now What?
This is part three of a three part series about Finding A Therapist. It is a collaboration between Laura Louise Green from Healthy Pour and Katy Osuna from Copper & Heat.
Opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent the point of view of Best Served. In furtherance of bringing more voices to the table, we are committed to sharing varied thinking throughout the industry.
What’s important to know while you’re in therapy
Building a Therapeutic Relationship
The therapeutic bond with the therapist and client is one of the most important elements of successful therapy. More than theoretical orientation, where they went to school, or interventions, loads of research show that the therapeutic relationship is above and beyond the strongest variable when predicting desirable outcomes.
Managing and Communicating Expectations
Building a therapeutic relationship can take time, though. It might take a few weeks (or even a few months) to become comfortable--particularly if you’re new to therapy. It’s best to make it a practice to communicate needs and manage expectations. Talk about how sessions are feeling. Talk about what your goals are. You might find the goals you start therapy with are changing as you get into the work, and that’s fine.
Change Doesn’t Happen Overnight
As much as we want all of our painful experiences and the trauma they leave to go away, it does take time to heal and develop new skills. Be patient with yourself. Additionally, some individuals wait to engage in therapy until they’re in crisis, so that would mean first attending to the crisis, THEN starting the exploration and healing process. Issues can take weeks, sometimes years to work through. Be kind to yourself if it sometimes feels like you’re taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.
You’re the expert in your own experience, and the work is yours to do
Think of your therapist like the bumpers at the bowling alley--you need to throw the ball, but they’re there to help guide you. In that sense, therapy is a highly collaborative process, and with a functional therapeutic relationship, you’ll get out of it what you put in. This sometimes means getting uncomfortable and taking risks. Sometimes it means getting well acquainted with parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding. Sometimes it means accepting who you are and allowing yourself to love yourself. Whatever therapy looks like for you, you’re in the driver’s seat.
Ending a Therapeutic Relationship
There are a lot of reasons you may want to or need to end a therapeutic relationship and it’s completely up to you when you want to end that relationship. Some reasons you may want to end that relationship are:
Not a good fit
The therapeutic relationship is exactly that: a relationship! Some relationships work better than others and that’s ok! The therapist’s goal is to help you, so while it’s natural to be nervous when talking about it just not feeling right and you’re certainly under no obligation to, it would likely be worthwhile to bring it up and process it in session. Think of it as an opportunity to practice voicing your needs. This might result in working through it, OR your therapist could make a referral for another therapist who could be a better fit.
Not Making Progress Anymore
Sometimes we get to the point where you’ve gotten all you can out of sessions with that therapist. This might mean it’s time to practice what you’ve learned about yourself on your own (you can always go back!) or continue your work with another therapist and get a different perspective. Each therapist does bring something different to the experience, so if you’re feeling like you’ve plateaued, talk with your therapist, and develop a plan together.
Not feeling heard/seen
There are unfortunately some cases where the therapeutic relationship isn’t working because it doesn’t feel like your needs are being attended to. Therapists are human beings and carry internalized biased thinking, have blind spots, their own trauma, and/or values that are different than yours and are impeding on their ability to be present in the way you need them to be. This sucks, but it happens. Again, you are under no obligation to talk with them about it before you end the therapeutic relationship, but putting it out in the open might be an opportunity to practice voicing your needs. In the case that talking with them doesn’t feel safe, you are well within your rights to walk away without explanation or interaction.
Needs that the therapist can’t ethically fulfill
Therapists all have their specialities and usually work with a specific population or issue. This might be very broad (“I work with individuals experiencing grief during life transitions”) to very specific (“I specialize in working with codependent and anxious women in their 40’s who are making a life transition.”) We may like a therapist as a person, but it’s their ethical obligation to only practice within their scope. It might be clear when you begin therapy that the therapist needs to match you with someone who can better help you address your specific needs, or it might be uncovered over time. In this case, your therapist might work with another, specialized therapist through consultation to ensure they’re able to provide you with what you need, but in some cases it’s better to shift your work to another therapist.
Therapy was successful
This outcome is the most ideal, but oh is it hard! All therapists are really just trying to work themselves out of a job, and while it’s sad to say goodbye, it’s an essential part of the process. But don’t worry! Ending the therapeutic relationship isn’t abrupt; usually you’ll process therapy ending for months leading up to your departure. Does this mean you’re cured and never will have to go to therapy again? Eh, probably not--you still supposed to go to the doctor for a physical every year, right? But until then, congratulate yourself because you did some great work, and that’s worth celebrating.
Other resources
This article is part of a three part series. For more information, read Finding A Therapist: What Is Therapy and Is It Right For Me? and Finding A Therapist: What To Look For to learn more.
Katy Osuna is the host and producer of the James Beard award-winning Copper & Heat podcast. She’s been a cook for 9 years and worked in all sorts of places from the 3-starred Michelin restaurant Manresa in Los Gatos CA, to the sustainable meat company Belcampo before starting Copper & Heat. The interviews and content from this article are from episode 2 of Pre-Shift, the third season of Copper & Heat. Copper & Heat explores the unspoken rules and traditions of restaurants through the stories of the people that work in them.
Laura Louise Green | Founder of Healthy Pour
