Dear Sous Chef Who Could Read My Anxiety Tells
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By Jasmin Parks-Pap
Dear Sous Chef Who Could Read My Anxiety Tells,
I’m writing to you now because I’ve finally acquired the language and the emotional tools to finally process our working relationship.
Throughout our working relationship, I was the Executive Chef and you were the Sous Chef. My right-hand guy. There should be epic novels about the layers of trust and intimacy that bind a sous chef and a chef. It’s baffling that the literary world is not overflowing with tales and sonnets describing the platonic and multi-faceted affection and regard in this symbiotic bond.
As a female in the culinary industry, being diagnosed with high functioning anxiety was almost a gift. I could hide my most telling anxiety-ridden behaviors as the most marketable qualities a woman running a kitchen could have. I hid my “debilitating perfectionism” under the guise of a “goal-oriented and go-getter attitude”. I masked my “crushing inability to establish healthy boundaries” under “being committed to the success of the team above all else”.
In a time of my life where my mental health was declining rapidly, I met you.
While we only skimmed the surface of communicating openly about our mental health struggles, I do remember exchanges about lack of sleep and persistent negative thought spirals. We shared them quietly across the counter as you prepped and I compiled menus, stealing furtive glances around us to see who was listening. I remember one of us would quickly change the subject when anyone else was within hearing distance.
I forcefully volunteered you to take an extra five-minute coffee break on days where you looked like you hadn’t slept. You shoved me out the back kitchen door to the smoke area whenever I began to pick at my hands because I hadn’t taken a pause in too long. You asked for an extra day off because you were having difficulty coping with our hectic summer schedule. I admitted Christmas events were triggering for me because of their unexpected last-minute changes.
I haven’t set foot in a kitchen in a year, Sous Chef. I returned to school, became a Certified Life Coach. I volunteer and work for an organization that offers mental health support to culinary professionals.
I named all the things I didn’t have terms for. I don’t lower my voice when I talk about my anxiety anymore. I share my wellbeing and struggles willingly, and I lean into the comfort it provides me to be free of that shame.
Now that I’ve made it to the other side, here is my apology to you, Sous Chef. I was not ready to be a conscious encourager of words and healthy habits. I was not equipped to take a stand and model our conversations to the rest of the staff. I was not empowered enough to implement safe mental health practices in our kitchen. I was not educated enough to know that there are resources out there for people just like you and me. I didn’t understand that there is no shame, and there is no blame, and our voices should never be lowered.
I am a better advocate for both of us now.
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Former Colorado Springs Executive Chef turned Life Coach after pandemic burnout. Aiming to improve wellness in the culinary world, one person at a time.
Opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent the views of Best Served. To achieve our mission of bringing more voices to the table, we are committed to sharing a variety of viewpoints across the industry.
